I am not naive when it comes to intimate partnerships. As of today, I have been in an ever-changing, growing, trying, beautiful relationship with the same person for 23 years.
Look at baby David and Lindsey!
This was our first photo together ever. We were 19 and 18!
We had NO clue what a successful relationship required 23 years ago. We were starry-eyed and butterflies in love, giddy and high on the always addictive new relationship energy.
New relationship energy is AMAZING. It’s exactly the kind of exciting, pulsating energy that is perfect for establishing a romantic bond between two people before they have to figure out hard things together. It’s great for drawing us to each other, but new relationship energy isn’t sustainable.
When the new relationship energy wears off — whether during dating or after the honeymoon phase is over — many people start to have second thoughts and even anxiety about their relationship.
“Did I pick the right person?”
“What if we actually aren’t supposed to be together?”
Then, when there’s a fight, a repeating issue, or circular conversations, we often use these things as “evidence” that we did not, in fact, choose the right person or that we made a huge mistake because the buzz wore off.
Once that thought pattern becomes established — and it doesn’t take long — it can haunt all your thoughts about and toward your partner. It’s as if everything they say and do and everything you feel is filtered through the lens of the relationship being the “wrong” thing.
Because of the confirmation bias center in our brains (reticular activating system), we will then use every circular conversation, every fight, and every instance when our partner messes up as evidence to confirm our worst fear: that we aren’t supposed to be together, that our communication is broken, that the butterflies and rainbows are gone, and the relationship is going to be boring forever. (That’s what happened to many of our parents, isn’t it? If they’re even still together…)
The truth?
You CAN create a successful and healthy relationship with literally anyone.
There is no such thing as “meant to be” or “not meant to be.” You are meant to be together if you both willingly choose to be together — zodiac signs compatibility be damned.
Another truth?
Most of us don’t know how to be in healthy, conscious relationships because most of us didn’t witness healthy, conscious, vulnerable communication between our parents.
It’s not our fault we don’t know what we don’t know! Not surprisingly, most people don’t have the first clue about genuine communication, whether in the workplace, with their friends and families, or with their partner.
Communication is a life skill that must be learned, just like cooking and driving.
You’re not a bad person if you get behind the wheel for the first time and have no idea what you’re doing, right? You just need someone to teach you and some time to practice.
Now, let’s make this even more complex…
If you have Complex PTSD, you were hurt badly in relationship, yes? Your brain and nervous system developed around a parent who was physically, verbally, spiritually, and/or emotionally unsafe.
You got wounded. And today, despite being a fully grown adult, those wounds get poked in your most intimate relationship now, don’t they?
Your deepest pain is held in these wounds, and it may not take much for them to get poked (triggered). And depending on a number of factors, the way you react or respond to your deepest relational wounds being poked, you might…
- 😡 have a giant, explosive anger reaction toward your partner
- 🏃 want to run away from the relationship entirely
- 🫥 shutdown and go blank or feel numb and powerless
And whatever your reaction toward your partner, I’d bet my house that they also react to their wounds being poked, too.
Yet, when these relational wounds are poked inside a safe, reciprocal, conscious, vulnerable relationship where both partners know how to patiently and skillfully communicate their deepest feelings?
Well, babe, that’s the Medicine you need.
We’re conditioned to believe that successful relationships mean:
- 🌶️ always hot sex
- 🪞 constant physical attraction
- 👩❤️👨l ots of romantic dates
- 🦋 never-ending new relationship energy
- 🥰 to feel like they’re “the one” all the time
What we actually NEED in our relationship?
- Mutual and reciprocal respect, love, belonging
- Authenticity
- Clear, explicit, non-violent communication
- Acceptance that the honeymoon phase isn’t supposed to last
- Emotional safety
- The ability to have hard conversations without fear of abandonment or punishment
- Rupture and clear repair
- Accountability and a willingness to apologize and change when you hurt each other
- The chance to be triggered (poked) by your partner and work through it
- Interdependence
- Reassurance
- Autonomy
- Radical honesty and transparency/not keeping things from each other
- Mutual, reciprocal vulnerability
- Co-regulation
- Equitable sharing of responsibilities, chores, workload, childcare
This type of relationship doesn’t happen by accident. It is consciously chosen and co-created.
It takes work, time, commitment, and remembering you’re on the same team.
And above all? It requires being able to consciously communicate like a badass.
Yes, it is uncomfortable. You won’t find a single Hollywood relationship or maybe even a real-life relationship that models to you how this looks and feels. But that doesn’t mean it’s not real.
Inside my brand-new offering, COUPLES’ COMMUNICATION INTENSIVE, I’m going to help you and your partner learn how to co-create this kind of relationship… a relationship that feels solid, stable, resilient, vulnerable, clear, emotionally intimate and safe.
Co-creating this kind of relationship with your partner means learning how to communicate clearly, directly, non-violently, and consciously.
THE COUPLES’ COMMUNICATION INTENSIVE is…
You, your partner, and me together for 90 minutes a week for 10 weeks. You’ll also each get up to 30 minutes per week of additional support on Voxer.
You will learn how to:
- 💕 stay grounded in your body when communicating, even when it’s uncomfortable
- 💕 let your body + your highest self lead you through conflict
- 💕 take conscious communication breaks
- 💕 stay authentic & express your truth w/o shutting down, caving, or people-pleasing
- 💕 respond to your partner with curiosity
- 💕 let your guard down to be vulnerable to express the pain underneath your words
- 💕 listen to hear, validate, & understand your partner
- 💕 communicate with clarity, calmness, compassion, & co-regulation
I combine my Mercury in Gemini innate badass communication skills with Somatic Listening, Non-Violent Communication, knowledge of CPTSD and the nervous system, and my 23 years of long-term partnership to bring you an intense communication boot camp.
This offering is NOT available on my website. If you and your partner want to do the COUPLES COMMUNICATION INTENSIVE together, reply to this email and let me know you’d like to set up a connection call.
The investment?
$2,700 total. You can pay it all up front or 2 x $1350, 3 x $900, or 4 x $675.
I have space for 5 more couples — I hope one of those spaces is for you and your partner!
Let’s roll up our sleeves and uplevel your communication skillzzz!
P.S. Here’s a picture of us today.
